Victor Dmitruk, Ph.D.

Most parents think they have rules but instead have a loosely organized set of expectations for their children. A rule is a very technical thing. It consists of an expectation plus a consequence or reason for doing the right thing. As adults, all we need to hear is the expectation; we finish the rule because we were previously informed what the consequence would be. Speed and get a ticket. Stop making your house payment and lose your house. Paying your credit card bill late? Add $39.

We would probably be offended if someone told us the entire rule and would think we were being patronizing. We would not appreciate being told “Be nice to me or you will have to apologize and send me a nice note with flowers. And, until I feel better, I will leave you alone and have nothing to do with you”. That’s probably what would happen, but all we need to hear is “Be nice”. We fill in the consequence, making the expectation into a rule.

There are several reasons why parents don’t have rules. The primary reason is that we overestimate our children. Because they talk like we do we assume they know what we know. That is, we think they will “finish the rule” after they hear what we expect. However, they can’t do that because they have not learned what the consequences of their actions will be and parents are highly inconsistent in applying consequences. They sometimes do this, sometimes do that, and then do something else. This is very confusing to children. Adding to the confusion is the fact that parents don’t agree on rules and consequences in two parent homes.

I will teach you how to establish meaningful rules for your children. Imagine yourself a Traffic Cop and your children are speeders; breaking your rules. I will teach you how to write tickets and the kinds of tickets that should be written; calmly and politely, just as we expect to be treated by police officers.

By asking you to be a Traffic Cop, I do not mean your children are being bad, mean, or evil; I am not suggesting you need to “bust them” or punish them.

There are rules that punish and rules that teach. If you have punitive rules, your child will be in control, simple problems will escalate into major disasters, and you will be teaching your children false lessons about life. With rules that teach, you will be in charge, your child will be learning self-control, and you will be teaching accurate lessons about life.

Rules on the highway are a good analogy to setting rules for children. Think about 70 mph speed limits on Interstates when you are in a hurry. Lesson number one here is that speed limits do not limit your speed; a speed limit is an expectation (i.e., half a rule). You can drive as fast or as slow as you want to. In a hurry? Drive 80. However, if you do, you might get a ticket. Want to avoid a ticket? Drive 60, but you’ll be late.

You have to exercise self-control. Speeding will get you there on time. However, if you speed you might get a ticket.

Let’s set some limits for your children. As adults, our expectations and consequences (i.e., our rules) are clarified before we make a choice. If you speed and get pulled over, you know exactly what will happen; you will get a ticket. If you try to explain why you were speeding, you will be told to “tell it to the judge” in two weeks. Now is the time for action, later is the time for talking.

As adults, rules are explained to us (expectations and consequences) and we make a choice. If we make the wrong choice, the consequence is applied. Finally, we are able to talk about it at a later date. You were informed when you applied for your credit cards that late or over limit payments would cost $39. If you were short of cash and decided to pay late, all that would happen is an additional $39 charge would be posted on your next bill. If you wanted to discuss it, you could call the credit card company (good luck). No one would call you or scold you for paying late. The point is that if you are punished, you have only yourself to blame; you did it to yourself because you knew what the consequence would be before you chose to pay late.

This gets us back to being good Traffic Cops for your kids. Parents should explain to their children exactly what is expected and exactly what will happen depending on the choice made. Then, when your rule is broken, you will have a course of action; you know the ticket you will write and what you should do. With good rules, your spouse will see things the same way and you can be truly “consistent”; just as all Traffic Cops write tickets for speeding!

Parents can’t write tickets or deliver consequences because they don’t have rules. Because parents don’t have good rules, they start talking instead of acting and simple situations escalate out of all proportion.

This opens another topic; distinguishing between rules that punish and rules that teach. Rules should reflect life as we know it because discipline is intended to prepare children for adulthood. If it is not expected of you, it should not be expected of your children. Additionally, the consequences you select should also reflect life as you know it as a good adult. Stated differently, if it would not happen to you if you made a similar mistake, it should not happen to your children.

Few adults get spanked (unless they ask for it or pay for it), yelled at, or have their prized possessions or privileges taken away. Nothing you might do would result in standing in a corner or sitting on a naughty chair. These are all examples of punitive consequences and parents using punitive rules surrender control to their children. You can’t make a child eat a carrot, stay in bed, or put things away. If you put them in a naughty chair or corner, you are simply substituting one problem for another. They first would not listen; then they won’t sit or stay in a corner.

Do this when establishing rules. First, clarify what you expect and test your expectation by asking if the same thing is expected of you. If the answer is no, forget about it because you will be powerless enforcing that expectation and you will be teaching a false lesson about life. Second, clarify the consequence.  Then, test the consequence by asking if the same thing would happen to you if you made the same mistake or violated the same expectation. If the answer is no, forget about that too. Once again, a consequence that is inappropriate will make you powerless and will teach your child a false lesson about life.

I am happy to consult with you to evaluate your rules as what I suggest is not easy and takes some direction and practice. Visit my website www.parentsastherapists.com and use the Free Consultation offered to send me your rules. I will evaluate and correct them as needed and get back to you!

Books, articles, and advice given to parents about parenting and discipline invariably emphasize the importance of rules that can be consistently enforced. However, parents are never taught exactly how to go about establishing rules or how to distinguish between good and bad rules (i.e., rules that cannot or should not be enforced). I have never read parenting advice from any source that was intended to help parents establish rules. It is as though whatever rules parents conjure up are valid and it is children’s responsibility to submit and obey.

In reality, many behavior problems are the result of inappropriate rules that are ill-advised or arbitrary; rules that are resisted by children and can’t be consistently enforced.

The problems are complicated in two parent families because each parent invariably has a different set of rules for his or her children. If you don’t think this is true, sit down with your spouse, back to back, and independently write your rules for your children. Then, compare the lists. They (1) will not agree, and (2) there probably will not be a single rule on either list. What they will contain is a vague set of expectations (e.g., be nice, take care of your stuff, be in bed by eight, do your homework, etc.). This confusion makes it very difficult for children to understand what is expected of them and results in significant conflict between parents. Studies have shown that half of the arguments between parents are the result of different approaches to discipline.

The first and most important step in effective discipline is establishing good rules; I am going to explain exactly how to do it in this post and the post to follow. I will explain rules here technically and will give examples of good rules (i.e., rules that teach self-control) and bad rules (i.e., rules that reward and punish) in my next post.

First, let’s distinguish between an expectation and a rule. Good rules are very technical and specific but parents state rules in a very casual manner. The reason they do so is that all of us, as parents, overestimate our children. We think they are wiser and more sophisticated than they actually are. As a result, rather than stating rules, parents present children with an ambiguous set of expectations (e.g., leave your brother alone).

An expectation is half a rule. Examples of expectations for adults are drive within the speed limit, make your house payment, cancel your medical appointments with more than 24 hours notice, and pay your credit card bills on time. Note first that these expectations are not absolute. You do not have to drive within the speed limit, make your house payment, cancel your medical appointments, or pay your credit card bills on time. However, you know what will happen if you don’t! So, a rule consists of an expectation plus a consequence known in advance of making a choice! You know exactly what will happen before you make a choice. If you are in a hurry, drive 80 miles an hour on the Interstate (note that speed limits don’t limit your speed…they are merely suggestions). If you don’t want a ticket, drive 60 miles an hour. The choice is yours and you must exercise self-control in deciding what to do. You cannot exercise self control if you don’t know your choices, made clear by specific rules, and neither can your children!

Self-control is what we strive for in our children and they cannot control themselves if they do not know your rules. Rules consist of an expectation and a consequence. You must explain to your children what is expected but you must also explain to them what you are going to do or the cost to them for making the wrong choice (i.e., the consequence of making the wrong choice). They must know in advance so they can weigh their options; just as adults have the luxury of doing.

Here are a couple of teasers (good vs. bad expectations…I will fashion them into rules next time). In my next post, I will show you how to establish enforceable rules that will develop self-control in your children. I will compare the good rules to bad rules that cannot be enforced; those based on reward and punishment instead of discipline.

Bad expectation #1: Eat your dinner (child in control, parents without power). You can be brought down by a child who refuses to eat that last carrot!

Good expectation #1: Have a good and healthy diet.

Bad expectation #2: Be in bed by 8:00pm (child in control, parents without power). What’s the plan when it is 8:30pm and your kids are still up? Yell? Ask questions? Take stuff away?

Good expectation #2: Get enough sleep.

Bad expectation #3: Pick up your toys (child in control, parents without power). A five year old will beat you with a handful of Legos!

Good expectation #3: Put things away (without being told) when you are finished with them.

Intrigued? Stay tuned!

I have read and reviewed many books on parenting and discipline in my 30+ years as a Licensed Pediatric Psychologist. I have only recommended one or two to parents because the parenting suggestions made in most are ineffective; many are mean-spirited and potentially damaging.

Very little has changed since psychologists, social workers, educators, etc., began applying Behavior Modification principles developed by B. F. Skinner in the animal laboratory 50 years ago. Skinner found that following a behavior with a reward or something pleasant increased the likelihood of its future occurrence.  Following a behavior with something unpleasant decreased the likelihood that the behavior would be repeated. Skinner also found that taking something favored away would punish (decrease) behavior and that responses could be strengthened by taking away something unpleasant after they occur.

These practices work great when training rats, monkeys, and pigeons in the laboratory. Not so great when applied to parenting and discipline, but approaches to “disciplining” children based on Skinnerian Behavior Modification principles are deeply ingrained in our society and are recommended year after year by professionals who should know better (but apparently do not).

I do (know better) and don’t think we should treat our children like rats, pigeons, or monkeys. Here are a few examples of very bad advice given to parents by professionals, based on the above. We all know Dr. Phil. He recommends finding out what kids really like and value. He calls these objects and activities a parent’s “currency”. They are to be presented when parents “catch their kids being good” and taken away when kids make mistakes or misbehave. He also recommends putting children in “Time Out” (TO) when they misbehave (presenting something unpleasant) and kids are to be let out of TO only after they are quiet. To make things really awful for kids, he recommends a room for TO with nothing in it…preferably without even a window.

Psychologist James Dobson of Focus on the Family fame puts a religious spin on things but his recommendations are still based or punishment. He advocates spanking/hitting kids when they misbehave. He conceives of children as essentially evil; locked in a battle of wills with parents that parents can’t afford to lose. Curiously, I guess he thinks willful children can be subdued and taught to submit to parents by the age of 10; after which they are no longer to be spanked. Even more curiously, Dobson recommends spanking children with objects (spoons, brushes, etc.) because the hand is for loving.

Super Nanny, Nanny 911, and most pediatricians suggest parents make a chart, grab a handful of stickers, and wait for something good to happen. Parents don’t even have to make their own charts and stickers…they can buy chart and sticker packages on the internet! How many stickers would have to be applied to your chart to make you better in math, more organized, more social, etc.?

Over the next few weeks, I am going to post a series of articles dealing with what I call “Myth-Information” and “Pseudo-Information”. Some on this information is found on www.parentsastherapists.com . I will discuss the topics in more detail here in weeks to come. Myth-info refers to bad advice…like that mentioned above…that is part of the parenting mythology in our society. The information is false, misleading, and probably damaging to children and parent/child relationships but has taken on a life of its own and lingers on.

Pseudo-information refers to advice that parents are given that sounds like parenting advice but is merely reassuring. Pediatricians dispense pseudo-info when they tell parents their children “will grow out of it”. Parents are given this “advice” when asking about bedwetting, thumb-sucking, school and behavior problems, etc. This is not advice and does not give parents any direction in helping their children. However, it is reassuring to parents to think that, someday, their children will “grow up” and abandon bad habits. Children reliably grow out of their clothes…everything else tends to get worse! Teachers also dispense pseudo-info by telling parents their children “aren’t ready” for school or to move on to the next grade. Once again, the promise/hope is that someday, the children will be ready…reassuring.

Come and visit in the weeks to come. I will not only point out what is wrong with the advice parents typically receive; I will also provide effective alternatives. Please comment to this and the posts to follow. Feel free also to visit www.parentsastherapists.com to request a Free Consultation; send me an email through the website describing your child related concerns and I will suggest a solution tailored to your problem.

Behavior, school, and social problems are the Big Three when parents are asked to rank concerns about their children. I addressed behavior and school problems here previously and now will tackle some social difficulties. To make this manageable, I will only talk about teasing and bullying; hot topics currently in our schools. Here are some suggested remedies.

When counseling children about teasing, I remind them teasing occurs because someone is trying to get them upset; to “have some fun” by getting a rise out of him or her. A second reason for teasing is teasers try to make themselves look better by making someone else look worse.

I teach children to practice a response to be used each and every time they are teased. A well rehearsed response can be delivered immediately and calmly and the child being teased does not get (as) upset. Not getting someone’s goat? What’s the fun in teasing?

The rehearsed response to teasing is also something that turns the tables on the teaser. If teasers try to make themselves look better, why not practice a response that makes them look worse? Examples might be “You’re being childish”. Or “Teasing is the product of a small mind”! Or, “Time to grow up”! Or “Is that your sister’s shirt”?  Teach children to respond to teasing quickly and calmly with a comment that turns the tables and teasers will move on.

But what happens if the situation escalates and the teaser becomes aggressive or a bully? I am a therapist, but I don’t advocate therapy for bullies. I also don’t advocate referral to the school principal. Does it really matter why a bully is mistreating or victimizing your child? Talking to bullies is not the most effective way to stop bullying in schools. The best way to stop bullying is to inconvenience the bully’s parents! If your child is bullied, demand an immediate school meeting with the principal and the bully’s parents. Do it again each time your child is victimized. How many school visits or missed days of work do you think parents will tolerate before they take charge and put a stop to their child’s actions? Complaining to teachers or principals just empowers bullies and does no good at all. Inconveniencing parents will usually stop a bully in his or her tracks!

Kids bullied in the neighborhood or out of school? Call the police! Aggressive bullying is assault and the sooner you start a paper trail with the authorities on a bully, the sooner the bullying will stop! How many police visits or trips to the local police precinct will the bully’s parents tolerate before taking action?

Getting a bully’s parents involved early in a manner that will inconvenience them is particularly important because many parents are not aware their child is a bully. Bring their actions into the light and most bullies will stop (or will move on to mistreat another child). Your primary responsibility, or course, is to protect your child.

Parents are naturally concerned when children struggle in school. Professionals studying school and learning problems distinguish between “high severity” and “low severity” learning differences. High severity learning differences include mental retardation, delayed language development, speech problems, blindness, deafness, etc. These problems are diagnosed easily and appropriate interventions are begun when affected children are infants or toddlers.

Low severity learning differences are more difficult to diagnose and treat. We estimate 20% of intelligent children underachieve because of some combination of low severity learning problems. Because they are intelligent, children with mild learning differences do well for a time and then experience “High Output Failure” (HOF). These children typically do well in early grades because learning demands in early elementary classrooms do not tax their learning ability weaknesses; they begin to underachieve and fail in later grades when demands for performance increase. Low severity learning differences include problems with auditory/visual information processing, receptive/expressive language, memory problems, problems paying attention, etc.

The clearest example of a low severity learning difference is handwriting. In early grades, emphasis in handwriting is on neatness. Children are given plenty of time to demonstrate they can write neatly. In later grades, there is a shift in emphasis from neatness to output or speed. Children with poor handwriting now must think about what is being written rather than how neatly it is written. Handwriting speed becomes important because handwriting must keep pace with thinking. Handwriting is messy when they write quickly; they fail to complete assignments on time and what they write is often unacceptable when they slow down for neatness. Because they cannot write quickly, they slow their thinking to match slow handwriting.

HOF typically emerges beyond third or fourth grade and its most obvious “symptom” is failure or refusal to complete homework assignments. Children experiencing HOF also frequently become disruptive, belligerent, and difficult to manage. They may become increasingly social in school and many begin clowning. This is because intelligent children redefine their difficulty. They do not understand why school has become difficult and conclude it is better to be seen as “bad”, “social” or “funny” than it is to be considered “stupid”.

Teachers and parents do not understand these children and often (or invariably) misdiagnose their problems. Because the children were successful in earlier grades, parents and teachers conclude the children more recently have become unmotivated, lazy, emotionally disturbed, or suffer from Attention Deficit-Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Rather than being helped to succeed, they are often punished for failure, prescribed unneeded medications (90% of children taking medications for school problems are misdiagnosed or incompletely diagnosed), or put in counseling by well intended parents and professionals who don’t understand learning differences. Children experiencing HOF become increasingly distractible in the classroom but it is not because of ADHD. They also become increasing emotional. However, increased distractibility and emotionality are the result of learning difficulties in these children…not causes of underachievement.

Contact me through www.parentsastherapists.com and I will explain how low severity learning problems should be diagnosed and treated.

Parent-child relationships are pleasant and harmonious in many families. They are not in many others and family harmony is disrupted by minor behavior problems that are significant to parents. Even though the problems are not considered serious, they lead to conflicts between parents who disagree about how to deal with the behaviors and between parents and children. Examples of such “low severity” behavior problems include disrespect, fighting, poor manners, messiness, school problems and conflicts about homework, neglecting chores, hygiene, dawdling, swearing, etc.

Relatively minor behavior problems are often more difficult to deal with than major concerns about children. Because the behaviors are of low severity, parents deal with them in an inconsistent manner. As an example of inconsistency, consider what I have termed “Windshield Wiper Parenting” (related to Thresholds of Tolerance” discussed below). Children misbehave and parents tolerate the misbehavior; in part because it is not serious, and in part because they don’t know what to do. The behavior continues, escalates, and parents eventually react. That puts a stop to the behavior temporarily but it comes back. Parents tolerate, react, tolerate, react…back and forth, to and fro; going to extremes, just like a windshield wiper! Inconsistent discipline is ineffective discipline and the problems continue; day after day, week after week, month after month.

A related factor or concept contributing to inconsistent discipline has been referred to as parents’ “Thresholds of Tolerance”. Parents often don’t respond to bickering or fighting between children until the children bicker or fight “too much”. They react when children dawdle too long, become too messy, or when chores are delayed or ignored too long. Children at times are allowed to be mildly disrespectful but their behavior becomes a problem when they are too disrespectful.

How much misbehavior is too much? These are very difficult lessons to learn. Parents are often told children “test the limits”. Are they testing limits or looking for limits? Limits are clear when misbehavior is not tolerated at all. I am much more comfortable knowing the speed limit in construction zones on Interstate Highways is 45mph than I would be if the speed limit signs read “Don’t drive too fast”.

When children go too far and their behavior exceeds their parents’ thresholds for tolerance (i.e., the true limits), parents react; the behaviors stop for a time and parents are deceived into thinking what they did was effective. In fact, all that was accomplished was a temporary halt to the misbehavior. This is a little like wetting your pants on a cold day…the relief experienced is only temporary!

I introduced the concept of “negative reinforcement” in learning theory in my last post. When parents finally react to misbehavior that has gone too far, the behavior stops and parents are negatively reinforced for inappropriate discipline; they continue to use parenting strategies that briefly put an end to irritating behaviors but do not prevent them from recurring in the future.

Remember, effective discipline is discipline that teaches children to do the right thing without being told.

Many issues make parenting difficult; here are a few. First, some children have difficult personalities or temperaments. They are naturally difficult to manage and have what has been called an “irritable-active” temperament. They are busy, inattentive, distractible, etc., and these characteristics are present from birth. Other temperamental characteristics in children also make parenting difficult and less enjoyable than we would like.

Another factor influencing success with children is parental personality or temperament. Some people are temperamentally suited for parenting; they are sensitive, patient, thoughtful, etc. Some are not. Just as children can be irritable, some parents are easily irritated by relatively innocent aspects of their children’s behavior. They are quickly reactive and thoughtful planning for appropriate discipline does not come easy.

The parent-child match in temperament is also important in parenting and is often overlooked. Active parents have an easier time with active children. Parents who are not active have an easier time with children who are easy-going and less active. Problems develop when there is a temperamental mismatch. Busy and active parents don’t understand slow-moving laid back children. Slow moving and less active parents have great difficulty with energetic children. Historically, scientists and professionals have not paid sufficient attention to similarity of parent-child temperament in providing parenting advice.

Another obstacle to discipline is overestimation of children. We think children are more capable than they really are, leading us to be casual in our discipline until problems emerge. Consequently, when problems develop, parents are not prepared to deal with them. We don’t plan the lessons to be taught and how to teach them because we think our children already know. How many times have you said “You know better than that” to your child? Because our children talk like adults, do things physically parents cannot, and know things parents don’t know we unconsciously assume they have already learned the important lessons of life.

Another problem parents encounter leading to ineffective or inappropriate discipline is called “negative reinforcement”. In learning theory, the term “reinforcement” means the likelihood of a behavior is increasing. The term “negative” means that something has been removed or terminated. Negative reinforcement refers to strengthening a behavior by taking something away after the behavior occurs. This is a trap for parents as we are negatively reinforced for questionable parenting practices. Yell, spank, grab, or threaten children and they stop doing what their parents found irritating or inappropriate. Parents thus are deceived into thinking that yelling, spanking, etc., are effective disciplinary techniques. Put a child in time out in a naughty chair and irritating behavior ends. Count to three and they stop. We are deceived into thinking naughty chairs and counting (One, two, three…Magic? Not really) are effective…they are not. Discipline that is effective does not merely put a stop to problems; it keeps them from starting in the first place!

The good news is parents can overcome problems with temperament and poor strategies through planning. Visit parentsastheraspists.com to find out how.

I am Dr. Victor M. Dmitruk (Ph.D), a Licensed Pediatric and Family Psychologist in private practice in Kalamazoo, Michigan, USA. As suggested by the name of my Blog and my website, www.parentsastherapists.com, I provide help to families, parents, and children in distress. My approach is unconventional though; I am the only child psychologist I know who does not meet regularly with children and teens “in therapy”. Those of you who have had children in therapy probably realize what a dead end that can be. The money you spent for face to face therapy for your children probably would have been put to better use by taking a vacation or investing in a mutual fund for your Golden Years.

Therapy for children is a promise that has never been fulfilled and “therapists” do not have to be too smart or too well trained to sit and talk to a kid for an hour. In fact, in many cases, the kids refuse to talk to their counselors at all! Many parents have told me over the years that their child’s counselor who, of course, must maintain confidentiality, thinks their son or daughter “is starting to open up” after a year or so in therapy. Huh? What? Ka-ching!

Instead of meeting with children or teens who are in distress or acting out, I meet and work with parents (online and in the office) to empower and provide them with the tools they need to help their children and restore balance and harmony to their family. I think I am pretty smart, very well trained, and I have years of successful experience.

I earned BA, MA, and Ph.D. degrees in psychology through Michigan State University. After eight or 10 years as a college professor, I returned to school and gained my clinical experience as a Postdoctoral Fellow in Pediatric and Family Psychology at the University of North Carolina Memorial Medical Center in Chapel Hill. After two years of postdoctoral training, I returned to Michigan and entered private practice. I have been helping children and families locally, nationally, and internationally ever since.

So, here is my first topic for consideration and discussion. What experiences have you had in seeking help for your children through therapy? Sharing your experiences and suggestions could be very helpful to other parents, so let’s hear your comments…good and bad.

Future postings will probably be made at two week intervals and will present timely topics (food for thought) for parents as well as specific advice to help solve common problems in children that can cause enormous disarray and disharmony in families (e.g., disrespect, kids fighting, school problems, care of pets and belongings, chores and allowances, mealtimes and bedtimes, etc.) and anything else you might propose.

Announcements for new posts will be made on Twitter, Facebook and Linked-In. I invite you to follow or friend me there.